so the verdict is..

alright.. i'm gonna give this a little while to hit me. reality hit me a little in the lyft vehicle ride on the way back from gillette phalen. i started to cry but then it came to me that crying about it won't help anything- just like hating the driver of the cause of what was told to me won't help me and/or won't do anything to make MY situation any better. I HOPE HE HAS A GREAT FUCKIN LIFE. WITH HIS FAMILY AND BEING ABLE TO DRIVE AGAIN AND MOVE AROUND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WITHOUT TAKING THE RISK OF FALLING AND HURTING HIMSELF. HIS MOTHER, WIFE, AND SISTER ARE PROBABLY SAYING IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T GO TO CHURCH ENOUGH. i took the same tests that i remember taking when i took this test to see if i could drive again at gillette- the lady said it was about 7 or 8 years ago. i said to the therapist, "i don't understand why i see a lot of people who aren't half as ambulatory as i am driving." the lady said, "well- you might be physically capable of driving but there are other factors too.. the tests you took 7 years ago had basically the same score as then and you pretty much failed them then.. looks like your cognitive abilities were effected.. have you spoken to psychologists or other mental help about this before?" i'm not sure if she said that because this was such bad news and how dealing with the changes would affect me in life. i wasn't even fucking drinking A DROP of alcohol the night of my accident that gave me a traumatic brain injury (which is the reason why the alcohol didn't paralyze my immune system and i got so hurt in the accident- UNLIKE the driver.. i'm sure the guy who died in back was drinking also but he was probably in an area of the car that got more smashed up). i always try to think about the positive in bad situations and i sighed and said to her, "well.. at least i don't have to worry about gas prices.." then the therapist laughed and said, "i guess you're right." my grandma used to always tell me that eventually nobody would be driving because of the advancement in technology.. i kinda figured she was full of shit. i feel like eating a huge pizza to distract from this shitty ass news but i'm sure i'd be paying for it on the toilet later. i didn't even fuckin have my driver's license for a year and then i got too fucked up to use it and i figured i'd be fine starting over with my permit but i KNOW nobody's gonna ask for another opinion on this- so i just have to deal with being a handicap idiot who can't drive- maybe something will come along so i don't have to suffer so long through this shit. i think back to elle woods saying on legally blonde, "EVERYWHERE HAS VALET ANYWAY!" but knowing my luck- i'll end up living in a shitty ass place like minnesota for the rest of my life with a shitty ass transportation system i have to wait forever just to get a damn ride. anything i wanna do now is gonna be more difficult to do now that i know i'm not supposed to drive anymore. i'm not sure of the next time i talk to my psychologist but it'd be helpful now.